Past Pains (Trauma) - Phanfic
by whatifphillester
Summary: Can you leave your past behind? How will you be able to know what's right if you grew up in a world full of wrongs? - Phan, BDSM. Partially based on my own experiences.
1. Looking Back

**Hello, lovely reader. I'd like to mention that I posted this story on deviantart, so if you'd like to read it there go ahead and visit my profile. **

**There'll be a link to my dA gallery. I already posted the next two chapters there, but I stored them and I will unstore them as soon as I publish them here. I also feel like my English got worse since I wrote this, so I apologize if chapter 4 is a lot different from these.**

**Do not expect regular updates. If I don't feel well, I will not write. I can't help it, and I'd appreciate it if you understood. Thank you.**

**_2007_**

I set my empty mug on the table.

My mum sat across from me, next to a man with dark hair that he'd pulled back in a ponytail.

To me it just looked plain stupid, I decided humming.

"Daniel," the man said, trying to get me to talk to him.

I however, after 14 days of silence, still refused to speak.

Well, you might think, isn't that rude?

And I might have to ask you whether or not it'd be rude if someone invaded your very personal space, or no-touchey space as I liked to call it.

"Daniel, you have to tell us what the voices say."

Sweat glistened on his forehead and a single bead made its way to his brows, where it disappeared in his thick unibrow.

I paused, then silently applauded inside my head.

Now they thought I was shizophrenic.

The first diagnosis the "doctor" had made had involved demons and how the evil internet had caused me to go astray.

When his supposedly working exorcism had failed however, my mother begged on her knees for him to somehow heal me.

I had tried for so long to convince her that I was normal after all, but she literally just kept throwing bibles at me, - she'd even borrowed a whole bunch from a nearby church to somehow keep me off her - washed my mouth with sacred water, and one night I overheard her talking to my father on the phone about how she should just send me away, to a far-away place.

"Daniel, I know you're in there somewhere. Noone wants to hurt you." I heard the idiot rambling on.

Noone wanted to hurt me.

Countless red spots on my bruised skin told a whole different story though.

When he had first unpacked his bag, filled with syringes, weird-looking liquids, some reels of thread and two ropes, my mother panicked and told him off, and while I just sat there watching, he persuaded her that it wasn't me he was hurting, it was the demon.

After that my mum did whatever he said, rarely even looking at me anymore.

At some point he even moved in with us, stating that she would be better off if the demon ever decided to go on a killing spree. The more time passed the more appealing this idea became to me.

I was gay. I was an atheist. I wasn't mad.

But I sure felt close to going insane.

"Daniel,"

I looked up and saw him sighing.

"Go to your room."

My eyes widened.

"Go to your room. Don't even try to run, ya faggot.

The holy Lord is on _my side_." he declared.

I glanced at my mother, who just hung her head in shame and put her hands in her lap. Knowing her, she probably wasn't even ashamed of herself, doing nothing to save her only child from a crazy rapist, but rather of me, so I didn't even try to get her to help me.

Looking around I contemplated whether or not making my escape would be worth the consequences, but before I could decide on what to do I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I sensed a large hand grad my wrist which caused me to snap and flail violently pushing the taller man back in the process, then I ran for the bathroom.

Holding my hair back with my scarred hands I threw up bile and crumbs I couldn't quite place.

I hadn't eaten in almost a week and lived off the water I got to drink from the tap when _that guy_ allowed me to used the bathroom.

When I had finished puking my knees gave in and I fell back to lean my head against the cool tile wall. Upon seeing my flushed face in the broken mirror that stood on the floor opposite me, I flinched.

The boy looking at me from inside the mirror had horrendous looking wounds all over his face; the fear reflected in his eyes and as I raised my hand to reach for him, he mimicked my movements and did the same.

Our fingertips brushed but all I felt was the cold glass against my skin.

I closed my eyes and just as I pulled my hand back the door flew open and _he_ entered.

He looked around and his gaze lingered on the stains and indefinable substances on the white porcelain seat.

"Daniel" he adressed me, " that's not you. They devour you from the inside."

"Fuck off!" I spat at him, though it came out much less angry than I had intended. It felt weird to talk again, like my tongue had got all tangled in my mouth.

"Watch your language, heathen!" he warned as his lips twisted into a smile.

"Now, come upstairs, and don't try anything funny. I've got my ways to make you behave."

A dark brown leather collar appeared in his hands and I hissed as he placed it around my neck, attaching a leash to it. He then pulled me onto my feet and up the stairs while I tried my best not to trip. Tears were about to well in my eyes as he motioned for me to open the bedroom door.

Tiny little droplets of salty water fell from my closed lids as he pushed me through and I got down on my knees.

My personal hell was about to begin over again.


	2. Scraping the Surface

**I decided to update every week, just thought I'd let you know.**

**That means, assuming I don't have a severe case of self-hate in a particular week, that you'll be able to read a new chapter every Thursday.**

**Don't expect a literary masterpiece. English is only my second language, so I apologise if this is hard to read.**

**Thank you.**

**_2012_**

„Dan? Do we have any milk left?" asked my boyfriend of three years while sitting in front of the open fridge.

"No, if there's none in the fridge…" I answered, rolling my eyes. Our lives were as normal as could be, seeing as we were famous YouTube celebrities. And a normal life meant running errands, and that's what we'd have to do.

"I'll go grab some then. Do you want anything?" he asked looking at me expectantly.

I just shook my head and went to sit on the couch, then reached for my laptop and turned it on.

"See you then!" shouted Phil, walking out of the living room and some shuffling and muffled sounds later I heard the door shut.

That's when my façade crumpled. It was one thing I couldn't bear: being alone.

I swallowed nervously and put my laptop away, as I'd only used it to pretend.

To pretend that I wasn't broken. To pretend that I could still function properly.

But that was a lie.

In reality, I anticipated the moment Phil would find out. The moment he'd find out the reason because of which I refused to have sex with him.

It had taken me so long to recover, secret therapy sessions helping me along the way.

Phil couldn't know. If I told him, he'd be his sweet, innocent, naïve self. He'd convince me that he'd never use me the way _he_ did. And at one point or another, I'd give in.

And I would be an object again.

I had tried to have sex in the past, and it had always ended the same way.

Frowning I stood up and went to the sink to splash some water into my face.

It didn't help much, but it hid the tears that threatened to escape.

I didn't hold them back. Phil wasn't home, he wouldn't know.

My mind was centered around this one big taboo topic. I couldn't focus, couldn't think. I didn't know what to do. To be honest, I really wanted to be connected to Phil that way, but I knew that I couldn't handle it.

Laughing quietly to myself I walked back over to the sofa and lay down on it.

It was so ridiculous.

That something like inserting your dick into another person's butt could hurt on an emotional basis.

I giggled, which made everything seem even more hilarious.

Surrendering to the laughing fit, I curled into a ball. My tears were soaking the sofa and my vision was blurry, my throat sore.

It was too much.

And even though it hurt so much, I could never bring myself to cut. One thing I was proud of.

It would also prevent Phil from finding out that there was something wrong with me.

No visible scars, no problem.

I laughed some more until it turned into sobbing. I wanted to be happy so badly.

And I was, most of the time.

But then, when I was alone, I had time to think. Time to think about things I didn't want to think about.

Sniffing I wiped my tears away and put my head back to rest on a pillow.

Sleep would prevent me from thinking.

If only I could sleep forever.

I jolted awake when I felt hands on my lower back, and turned over to reveal Phil.

Obviously, who else did I expect?

…

Phil smiled at me in his friendly Phil kind of way and leaned in to kiss my forehead, then reached behind him and held a small glass bottle in front of my face.

"Um, Phil, what's that for?" I asked nervously. It looked a lot like lube, and I didn't want to have to reject him again.

"It's massaging oil!" he exclaimed excitedly, which caused me to exhale in relief.

It hurt me too to refuse sex.

"Take off your shirt and lay back down!" Phil then ordered and tugged on the hem of my shirt.

I obliged smiling back at him, threw my shirt on the floor and flipped over so I lay on my stomach.

Seconds later his cool, smooth hands were on my naked back massaging my sides, gliding up my spine and continuing to softly knead my shoulders.

I let out a quiet moan and dug my fingers into the sofa.

Phil's fingers worked magic. They proceeded to press into my shoulder blades, then down my sides again.

"Mhh, Phil…" I sighed contentedly and heard him giggle above me.

"You should consider changing your occupation…"

His giggle turned into a muffled laugh.

"I couldn't do that now, could I? I couldn't leave you alone with all these crazy fans."

Nodding in return I turned my head so I could look at him over my shoulder.

"I love you." I whispered.

"I love you, too"

Phil smiled and I put my head back on the pillow as he went back to gently squeezing my shoulders.

Running his hands back down my back he didn't stop, even as he reached the waistband of my shorts.

But that didn't startle me. What caused me to throw him off me and off the sofa onto the floor was the fact that  
he had succeeded to pull them down a tiny bit and was now rubbing my butt.

He landed with a loud thud and hit his head against the wall.

"Ph-phil, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay." Phil said plainly and stood, holding a hand to the back of his head.

He inhaled and held his breath.

"But…why? I know, we never really talked about it. I just don't know what to do."

He flopped down next to me.

"I really love you Dan. And if you  
want to wait, I'll wait. Is it me? Or…do you not want to have sex at all?"

I stared at him dumbfounded while he twiddled his thumbs, then shook my head.

"Phil, it's just…I can't. I want to but I can't."

Now it was his turn to look at me confusedly.

"Why?"

That was a good question. And I didn't really know how to answer in a way he would understand.

He was so nice and naïve, I wasn't sure if he could handle the truth.

"Can we not talk about this anymore please?" I inquired, looking away.

I felt ashamed. I was weak. Why couldn't I even tell him that?

I yelped as he spun me around almost violently.

"P-phil?"

"Don't. Dan…" He had an almost painful expression on his face.

"If you can't trust me, does this even make sense? This whole relationship thing? Is it because you didn't want to hurt me when I confessed my love to you some years ago? Dan, I need to know. Please, just tell me what's bothering you."

He heaved a sigh.

"You've been acting off lately. I worry about you so much…" he finished and let go of my shoulders, facing the floor.

_I could tell him. I could let go. But would it work out? I didn't know._

"I was raped when I was 16." I blurted out and bit my lip, tears springing to my eyes.

How would he react?

We sat in silence for a few more seconds, and then I could feel his arms around me pulling me into a tight hug.

I hid my face in the crook of his neck and only then did I notice he was sobbing.

"Phil..?"

He pulled back a little and wiped his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Dan…"

"Don't be. Do you…want me to tell you more?"

Nodding he hugged me again and held me close while I tried to find the right words.

"It happened very often and…it was a man my mother met at church. When…when I came out as gay and as an atheist she got very…"

I swallowed, "…upset."

Phil looked at me wide eyed. As if he couldn't believe something like this could happen.

He really was naïve.

I then felt his hand ruffle my hair.

"I love you, nothing will ever change that. We don't need to have sex. You're all I need. Just take your time, we will take this slow." He whispered smiling kindly.

Tears once again started streaming down my face. He was so nice, I couldn't take it.

We lay on the sofa for a few more hours, cuddling in silence all the while, comforting each other.

At some point we went to bed.

I slept by his side that night.


	3. Going Deeper

**Hello again. It'll get sex-ay in this chapter. Thank you for reading, and please don't forget to review!**

**_Late 2012_**

Almost a year had passed since I'd told him. We tried to have sex once or twice, but it never worked out. I always pulled back when it became too much to handle and Phil held my crying form until I went to sleep.

I felt a little guilty, mainly because he was so sweet while I couldn't offer him anything.

For the first year that we'd lived together he had paid the rent all on his own, and I hadn't paid him back yet. Everytime I tried to mention my debt he just waved it off and said that I needn't pay him back.

And I couldn't even offer him the one thing that would make our relationship perfect.

Now that we'd moved however I could contribute my part. It was the least I could do.

I just came home after a night at PJ's and stood in front of our front door, fishing around in my bag in search of my keys.

When I finally found them I opened the door and immediately noticed that something was off.

Our shoes had been neatly put away, in fact the whole hallway was clean and tidy.

I got rid of my coat and placed it on the floor, then left my shoes next to it. This was way to strange to even think straight.

I made my way further into the house looking for Phil and entered the kitchen but as I saw he wasn't there I continued.

The whole house looked completely different.

Everything had been put away and cleaned. There were no open cupboard doors as well, which caused me to become a bit worried.

The last room was my own bedroom. I gulped as I reached for the handle and entered.

The sight in front of me was incredible.

Hundreds of roses and petals lay on the floor and the approximate same number of candles illuminated the room. A wonderful smell filled my nose.

I noticed a small table standing in the middle of the room.

I stepped in further and only then did I see Phil.

He sat on one of the chairs that had been placed next to the table and stood up smiling upon seeing me.

"Dan..."

He held out his hand.

What he was wearing slightly puzzled me. It was a dress shirt and dress pants, as well as a bow tie and a jacket.

I blinked confusedly and put my hand in his, just to be pulled flush against him.

"May I have this dance?" he breathed and put his unoccupied hand on my waist, stroking my hip bone beneath my shirt.

"Phil...what..-"

He shushed me and put the hand that had formerly held mine on the back of my head and crushed his lips to mine.

It didn't take me long to kiss back and gently sway my hips.

We "danced" like this for what felt like forever, as neither of us could really dance properly.

However I froze as I felt his hips roll into mine which made me let out a low moan.

Phil pulled back immediately and stepped over to the table, pulling out a chair.

I supposed he wanted me to sit, so I did.

He sat on the chair opposite of me and pointed at the plates in front of us.

There were slices of roast, as well as potatoes and red cabbage covered in some kind of sauce. I diverted my gaze from the delicious sight to look at Phil.

"Did you make that?" I asked, as I was suspicious because I knew that Phil couldn't cook that well.

"Yes, yes I did. But to be honest..."

He smiled sheepishly and his tongue stuck out.

"I had to stay in the kitchen for hours because I didn't do it right the first time."

Expecting to hear something like that I just giggled.

"So, bon appetit?"

Phil nodded so I dug in and once the first fork full of red cabbage had passed my lips I let out a quiet moan.

I swallowed quickly and stared at Phil in surprise.

"This is delicious! I didn't know you could actually cook this well!"

Phil shook his head smiling.

"Um, thanks. Maybe because I wanted it to be the best, because you're the best?"

"That's so cheesy, Phil." I snorted and we resumed eating in silence

When there was almost nothing left on our plates I leant back and sighed contentedly.

"You know that you'll have to cook everyday from now on?"

"Definitely not!" Phil laughed standing up and walking over to me.

He then took my hand and pulled me onto my feet.

"You up for a cheesy movie?" he asked.

"What kind of cheesy movie...?"

"Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2?"

I pulled back laughing, but calmed down upon seeing him blushing.

"Sure thing, Bella."

The smile fell from his face.

"Who said I'd be Bella?"

Shaking my head I grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of my bedroom, through the hallway and into the living room.

I went to sit on the sofa while he picked out the movie and then turned around to put it into the DVD-player.

The Twilight logo flashed across the screen as Phil snuggled up next to me and wrapped a blanket around the two of us.

For the following two hours we were laughing and complaining at and about how stupid Bella acted, then got really confused toward the end when everyone died.

There were about 20 minutes left when I felt Phil's fingers softly stroking my stomach underneath my shirt and kissing my temple.

"Still a better love story than Twilight..." I giggled quietly and turned around so I could press my lips to his while he continued to caress my sides.

"I sure hope it is..." Phil whispered against my lips and pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"I love you, Dan."

"I love you, too, you know that..."

To be completely honest I was a little nervous.

I still didn't know why Phil had made this day so special, and don't get me wrong, I loved it, but I was a little scared as well.

After all he'd done for me I felt like I owed him.

And today made me feel even worse.

Phil gently put his hands on my clothed chest and pushed me down so I laid flat on the sofa and he was above me, straddling my hips.

"Ph-phi-"

My voice broke. I wasn't ready. We couldn't.

But on the other hand, if we didn't do it now, it'd probably never work.

I gulped down my fears and raised my hand to his pale face, caressing his cheek and pulling him into a passionate kiss while he lifted up my shirt and started stroking my chest.

He pulled back panting after a while.

"Is this really okay? You have to tell me if you're uncomfortable..."

I shook my head frantically. We had to. It was perfect and romantic, and I felt more ready than I ever did before, which was not a lot but we had to work with it.

"Dan..."

Phil's hot breath hit my ear as he leaned down and pressed his lips against my neck, sucking hard.

I let out a strangled moan, for one because it hurt, but then again it turned me on so much.

Lifting my hips I tried to get Phil to touch me some more, and he complied, letting his hand slide down my sides and I finally felt them pushing down my pants.

"We should probably take this to the bedroom." he panted as I nodded in agreement.

Suddenly he flung me over his shoulder and stood up, causing me to laugh breathlessly.

When we reached the bedroom I started hitting my fists against his back.

"Ow!" he giggled playfully, basically throwing me onto the bed.

He then proceeded to straddle my hips.

"We better go on where we left of, right?"

Admittedly, I was still very scared, but nodded nonetheless.

Phil however seemed to have noticed my hesitation as he instantly pulled his hands back from my crotch.

"Dan, if you're really not ready for thi-"

"No! I-I mean, no. If we don't do this now I don't think I'll ever be ready, love, please."

The sound of my voice was one of desperation.

Tears threatened to escape once again.

No, not now.

I wanted this.

I needed this.

But on the other hand it was the thing I dreaded the most.

"Dan, you're crying..."

Phil's face fell, and he reached out to cup my face with his soft hands.

His gentle, loving hands.

No.

I had to act, and I had to act now.

Without any warning I sat up, wrapping my legs around his waist and pushed him back so he was underneath me.

I immediately leaned in to capture his lips in a harsh kiss, biting his lip and pinning his hands on the bed.

"N-no, Da-an..."

Phil struggled to break free, but I was stronger.

My hands were skilled after many years of basically being a sex slave and I knew how to make Phil squirm even without touching his dick.

I quickly undid his belt and proceeded to tie his hands to the headboard.

He didn't make it any easier for me either as he tried to kick me, tried to turn away, but to no avail.

"Dan-"

I shut him up by placing my now free hand over his mouth.

"We have to go through with this."

Phil frantically shook his head, panic clear in his features.

Sighing in response I tried to contain my shivers as I let the back of my hand connect with his cheek. Hard.

"Phil!" I exclaimed, the tears now freely falling from my eyes.

"How is this supposed to work? I love you more than anything else in the world, but I can't even let you fuck me?"

I felt adrenaline rush through my body and stared at him angrily.

Phil growled, tears visible in the corners of his eyes.

He was ready to put up a fight if he needed to, the determination showing on his face telling me as much.

But I couldn't let him.

Everything I wanted, everything I needed was right in front of me.

I wouldn't let this chance pass.

A tear hit his pale chest after I had ripped his shirt open.

"Dan..." he whispered, looking at me sadly.

I couldn't let him worry about me.

I was an adult for fuck's sake.

It was only sex.

Leaning closer I captured one of Phil's nipples between my teeth and gently bit and sucked, then did the same to the other.

By the time I pulled back they were red and bruised, and their owner was panting, his chest heaving.

I caught myself smiling at his face, desperate but willing, and quickly turned away.

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

I couldn't just force Phil to have sex with me.

Chuckling inwardly at the irony of that thought I turned around to free him and apologise to him when I suddenly felt his legs around my waist, pulling me closer to him.

I moaned when our crotches brushed and hid my face in his hot, sweaty chest. I could literally smell the pheromones, and it made me want him even more.

"P-phil..."

"Shush..." He shook his head and pushed his hips into mine, making us both groan.

"Phil..." I whispered, staring up at him in disbelief and admiration.

"Oh god...I want you inside of me so badly..." I continued breathlessly.

He gulped and smiled, obviously a little nervous.

"Take control Dan, take your time."

My chest constricted. Had he really given me permission?

And most of all, did he really trust me enough to know for myself if I was ready?

When I looked at him again he'd closed his eyes, smiling peacefully, but opened them as he felt my burning gaze on him.

Nodding I undid his pants and pulled them down slowly, sweat glistening on his forehead. My hands were shaking by the time I'd got them off.

"Phil..? I'm...I'm not..." I began, stumbling over my words.

"Okay."

I gulped down a new wave of tears that had started to well up in my eyes and reached out to untie the gorgeous man lying beneath me.

He in turn immediately sat up and put his hands on my cheeks, pulling me closer and connected our lips, then pushed me back so I was lying flat on the bed, with him hovering above me. He unzipped my pants and quickly got rid of them, now palming my half-hard dick through my underwear.

"Phil...please..." I whined wrapping my arms around his neck and tugging at his hair.

Smirking he slid his hand beneath the elastic waistband of my boxers and proceeded to pull them down painfully slow.

I shuddered in anticipation, and when his bare hands finally began to stroke my member I let out a shaky groan.

We had never gone this far before. It was new, exciting, and dangerous.

I had to fight to keep my eyes from fluttering close as his thumb brushed my slit now and again. I was already leaking precum, but he obviously couldn't care less as he bent down and took me into his mouth.

His mouth was so hot around me, causing goosebumps to form all over my quivering body.

I gripped the sheets tightly as I bucked into his welcoming cavern, letting out a moan.

And with his tongue continually caressing my shaft, it didn't take me long to reach climax.

Phil seemed to have noticed however and pulled back, a string of saliva trickling down his chin, leaving me on the edge.

Giggling childishly he put his palms on my thighs.

"Do you want to play a game?"

I could have punched him right then.

"G-game?" I sputtered, feeling his thumbs softly stroking my skin and causing small fireworks to erupt in my groin.

"A game of trust!" he exclaimed and shook his fist in the air.

All I could do was stare at him in disbelief. Now he had lost his mind.

"Don't look at me like that," he smiled lowering his voice.

"Will you be my submissive?"

* * *

**A/N; Great, so this chapter's over. Now, if you'd be so kind, leave a review. There's a lovely box you can type your thoughts into just below. I'd love you if you did. x Thanks!**


	4. Needs and Compromises

**_A/N: You might have already noticed that I didn't update last week. There's a reason._**

**_I don't really know how to say this, but this is (my) last chapter. I won't write more. If anyone has an idea how to continue this, feel free to do so. Just try to mention me somewhere._**

**_I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone by not continuing, but I just can't deal with having to write one chapter a week. Pathetic, I know. I can't deal with stress._**

**_I'm really sorry, and I apologize to everyone who expected a better ending._**

**_*Maybe, at some point in the far future, you will log into your account and see that I have in fact posted another chapter, and then you'll know that I got my shit together, and you can be happy for me. Thanks to everyone for reading this little journey into my mind, my ideas, and my past and present._**

* * *

_"Will you be my submissive?"_

"Dan?"

Phil's muffled voice brought me back to reality.

I could hear keys cluttering, then a door closing, and several quick and quiet wiping noises.

The door flew open and my lover rushed in, and as I averted my gaze from the TV to greet him I noticed a plastic bag in his hands.

"Oh," I said confusedly.

"Did you go to the store?"

I had only been there the day before, so we didn't need to go for another three days.

However, when I saw Phil blush I instantly knew something was up.

"What's in that bag?"

His adam's apple moved as he gulped and smiled that sweet smile of his, but slightly nervous.

"Um...I thought..."

He put the bag on the table and reached inside, then took out...

cat ears.

_"Will you be my submissive?"_

His words rang in my ears. I had been extremely excited back then.

Back then meaning three days ago. My heart had been beating so fast, just the idea of sex had made me feel incredibly nervous.

It still did.

_I stared at him for what felt like hours before emitting a breathless, "What?"._

_He chuckled uneasily and fixed his eyes on the bedsheets; avoided looking at me as his hair fell into his face._

_"It's not...what you think I mean..."_

_Pausing and obviously searching for the right words I just lay there waiting for him to continue. He scratched his head and opened his mouth, then closed it again._

_"Spit it out, it can't be that bad." I whispered gently and placed my hand on his cheek, urging him to lift his gaze._

_"I'm into kitten play." he mumbled and flushed bright right._

_"Kitten play?" I repeated._

_"Care to elaborate?"_

_Wrapping my legs around his hips I pulled him closer and leaned up to kiss his cheek._

_"Phil?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Okay?"_

_He didn't say anything for a few more seconds, then found the courage to look up at me._

_"I'd...I'd find it really hot if you dressed up as a kitten for me."_

_I blinked and kept quiet, waiting to see if there was more._

_Nothing came._

_"That's it?"_

_Finally he raised his gaze to face me. He looked so baffled and excited._

_"Yeah, I guess. And maybe..." he bit his lip before continuing, "I would tie you up? Not much, just a little..."_

_Now it was my turn to giggle, which turned into a laughing fit._

_"Please be gentle, senpai!" I cried out and held my stomach._

_A weary smile appeared on his beautiful face._

_"Is that a yes?"_

_I stopped laughing and caressed his cheek, looking into his eyes lovingly._

_"Sure. Just...maybe we shouldn't approach this whole sex thing so fast. I'm okay with you tieing me up, but..." A giggle escaped my lips. "Just go easy on me, love."_

Just go easy on me, love.

But now that I was faced with a pair of handcuffs, cat ears, a flogger, a collar, a leash and countless other things, anxiety got the better of me. I tried to gulp down my fear, and let a small smile slip onto my face. Watching him put more things on the table, that smile fell when he took out an item of clothing.

What Phil held in his hands were a pair of light blue hotpants.

"Phil..." I warned.

"Shush," he smiled in response and went over to where I sat on the armchair, then bent over me and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Let me put them on you, love."

I took a deep breath and leant back, tightening my grip on the armrests. He went right to work and unbuttoned my skinny jeans, while I lifted my hips so he could remove them.

When he reached out to pull down my boxers however I swatted his hand away.

"Sorry, but I'm afraid they won't fit if we don't get rid of," he paused and patted my thigh, "Everything."

A shiver ran down my spine as I nodded hesitantly and closed my eyes. I could feel his gaze wandering over my body, resting on my crotch, then his fingers, carefully tugging at my boxers before pulling them down completely.

As soon as I was entirely exposed he proceeded to put on the hotpants. He had to use all of his strength however as they were as small as he had predicted, and when he succeeded they sat tightly around my cock and butt, but otherwise fit perfectly. If they had been even a little bit too big they'd fall down to where my other pants normally were.

I wiggled my hips a little and mewled quietly. After all, that was what Phil wanted, right?

My breath hitched as his cold fingers brushed my hipbones and pushed up my shirt, tugging it over my head, and threw it on the floor before he got up and went over to the table where he'd laid out his selection of playthings. My eyes were fixed on his ass which swayed lightly with every step he took. I let out a groan of frustration when he looked back at me over his shoulder and smirked knowingly. But as I still wasn't too sure where he was going with all this I just sighed and stared at my lap, waiting for him to come back. I could see his shadow approaching me seconds later and lifted my head, just to see what he had brought back.

I saw the cat ears and the light brown collar from before in his hands as he leant down to quickly peck my lips.

He put the leather collar around my neck while I watched him, taking in the way his eyes lit up when he noticed my gaze upon him, a smile grazing his lips.

"Dan," he adressed me, his voice unusually firm, but still holding the deep gentleness of Phil, my love. "Did you think of a safe word? We...we won't have sex tonight, I promise, but if anything goes beyond your comfort level, we might need one."

I nodded. We had already talked about that, Phil explaining every possible little thing that could go wrong because he didn't want me to do this without knowing the risks.

But I loved him, and I trusted him with all of my heart.

"Um, yeah-" my voice wavered and I coughed, "Y-yeah...like, I don't know, red?"

I had spend the past night researching BDSM and the alike and found that "red" was probably the most common safeword, so I went with it.

Phil nodded in response, letting his pale hands glide down from my shoulders to my chest, his fingers nudging my nipples before he stood up straight again.

"Now," he began, "At first you'll have to get used to acting like a kitten. But you'll also have to obey me."

I gulped and waited for him to go on.

"If you ever feel like it's too much, just say the safeword, and I will stop immediately."

He smiled at me reassuringly.

"Get down on your knees." he ordered and I obliged quietly, slipping off the chair.

The hard, wooden floor didn't exactly make me feel comfortable, but the look on Phil's face made me realise that I'd do anything for him. His eyes bore into mine, as if he was trying to convey his love for me, the smile still apparent on his pale lips. I loved him so much.

_Badump. Badump._ My heart sped up as he leant down to kiss the top of my head.

I loved him. _Badump._

My eyes closed, and as his lips slowly made their way to my forehead, leaving soft kisses everywhere, I let out a sound that broadened his smile even more.

"Meow..."

With that, he pulled me to my feet again and into his embrace, holding me tight.

"Thank you so much for doing this for me..."

I shook my head.

_"Anything."_


End file.
